Come Clean

The whole notion of perfection, it plays on your mind.
Being faultless in everything that you do. And what if you’re not? You get scolded. Apparently, that’s how it works. One match. Just one lousy match that you didn’t claim victory over has tainted your flawless slate. You’re a loser who’s to be ridiculed and forgotten about. The emotional blows that were delivered in those man’s taunts, they’re hard to disregard.

It’s almost like being brain washed into thinking that you’ll never succeed. The little confidence that you thought you had has been shattered ruthlessly. Having to build yourself up again, with significantly less self-assurance than you originally had, will you keep thinking that you’re destined to fail? Considering it relentlessly to the point where you believe it’s actually true? And if so, then why bother trying? You’re going to be unsuccessful anyways, so you might as well resign now.

This is what it leads to, striving to be seamless. Discontent. It only takes that single moment where you’ve been knocked down, to diminish all hope. Then you learn not to hope. But, nobody’s perfect right? They must say it for a reason. Nobody has to be perfect, it’s not the law.

Why must I be so?
Always firing orders at me, always nagging, always telling me I’m doing something wrong, always telling me how inadequate I am in comparison to others, always telling me that I should be better, know better, always telling me that my reputation is at stake. Why can’t you stop? Will I ever get a chance to LIVE?
Hmph. Hard work this is, maintaining that unblemished reputation that isn’t quite as perfect as it could be, or rather should be. Sometimes one just needs a break. A break from them, from people, from society and its influences.

Despite all the criticism, the patronizing comments and humiliation, I still strive for perfection. I must make them proud, even if I fell at the first hurdle by not becoming what they wanted me to be. I suppose I can only hope that what I'm doing is good enough, or is it?

I don’t try hard enough; a quitter is what I am. As soon as something requires effort, I relinquish it…because I get distracted. People are the cause of that. They take you away from the things you really want, and need. They are ignorant; they can’t see that they become the focus of your attention, the epicentre of your thoughts thereby drawing your mind away from the real things in life, the things you strive for.

I feel like I want the rain to fall. To descend hard and heavy, so it washes away my sanity…cleans my slate. I want to feel the thunder, bellowing and roaring like an unleashed demon. Very mood fitting. I want to come clean.